Embracing the ‘Choice’: My Journey to Becoming a Single Mom By Choice

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I truly feel like it is something that was ingrained into my very soul when that primordial being was piecing me together. A calling that sprouted in my subconscious at a very young age. 

I wasn’t the kid who daydreamed about her wedding. I didn’t fantasize about a big fancy affair with the lacey white dress and Mr. Tall-and-handsome waiting at the end of the flower-lined aisle. I didn’t dream about working tirelessly in my beautifully tailored pin-striped pantsuit, hellbent on building my high-powered career. 

Those are both very valid dreams to have, but they just weren’t mine. My biggest aspiration has stayed consistent throughout my life. I dreamt of having a beautiful baby to love and care for.

I had relationships here and there. Some a slow burn that took a while to figure out (or admit) that we were two puzzle pieces that weren’t going to fit together. Others were a fast head-over-heels rush of oxytocin that ended almost as quickly as they began. 

The one thing they had in common, none of them ever got to the point of discussing a real future or starting a family. This did not stop me from continuing to fantasize and plan my future of how I would one day make my dream of motherhood a reality. 

I had considered the idea of trying to start a family on my own several times in the past, but it just never felt like the right time. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my financial security, I didn’t have the house with the space needed for an expanding family, and frankly, I just wasn’t ready to take that next step. I think part of me was still holding out for the universe to step in, wave its magic wand, and have my love life miraculously come together. 

I was slowly creeping up on my 35th birthday. And this fact had me feeling like there was an invisible time clock in my body and once that day arrived, ding-ding-ding, the countdown would be on. The pressure of deciding to take the plunge and have a baby on my own felt imminent. 

Did you know that a woman’s egg health starts to decline at an accelerated rate once you’ve hit 35 years old? I learned this fact at some point in my mid-20s, and like a 90s insurance commercial jingle, this little factoid clung in my cranium. Every mention or reminder of my age, even when children weren’t mentioned, was yet just another reminder that I still hadn’t found someone to start a family with and the opportunity to do so was getting smaller and smaller. 

The reality was that I wasn’t any closer to finding someone that made me want to say ‘I do’ or compromise on parenting styles. And to be honest, putting the stress of my ticking-time-bomb ovaries on a relationship didn’t sound like a justifiable reason to try and find Mr. Right and then end up settling for Mr. Right Now because I needed to get this show on the road. I didn’t feel like that was fair to me, Mr. Right Now, or my fictitious future child.

When I finally chose to attempt to start my family, I knew I was at a place in my life where I was emotionally, mentally, and financially ready to have and raise a child on my own. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but the more I thought about it, the more I started considering all the perks. 

I can raise this child how I want to. I don’t have to consider another person’s point of view or opinions. I don’t have to worry about compromising on parenting styles. Hmmm…I started musing ‘I am the type of person who has a fondness for being in control, and having the ability to make all the decisions does sound appealing’… this was starting to sound like a rather ingenious idea. 

I mulled the title repeatedly in my brain, “Single-Mom-By-Choice”. Maybe it was the title starting to sound almost like a badge of honor, a self-proclaimed warrior, a confident woman taking control of her destiny. Maybe it was my control freak side’s ego flaring with excitement. Either way, it started to sound better and better the more I thought about it.

With mostly confidence fueling my fire and keeping my trepidation in check, I started doing my research. I’ll admit that before this point, now and again, I was one for going trolling on the donor sites and checking out the stock. I’d picture myself taking the plunge on purchasing a vial of lucky specimens that would produce the most beautiful spawn. I’d never actually looked into what the real steps would be to make this fairy-tale idea of mine come true. 

So, I hit the metaphorical books and consulted experts like Google and Pinterest. My two trusty standbys when starting any research project. From what I found, it seemed like the next logical step was to seek out a fertility specialist. After doing a little more digging, I found a clinic that was highly recommended and didn’t require a psych evaluation (some do). 

I felt I knew myself well enough to know I was mentally and emotionally ready for this next step. If anyone out there is unsure if they are ready, that might be a good first step for you to explore. 

Next, I enrolled in a virtual seminar that after you attended, you would get a free consultation with one of their fertility specialists (they also held a seminar on financial options for fertility treatments). I went into it all in full-on sponge mode soaking up as much information as I could.

Cheers, Warriors!

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and found it entertaining, educational, inspiring. Hopefully, all three. Please be sure to leave any comments or questions you have in the Comments section below. 

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