Not Sure How People Will React To Your Pregnancy?
The test was positive! I couldn’t believe it. As tears streamed down my face and I laughed with immense joy, I reveled in the fact that I had done it. I was pregnant!
I took a moment to be in it by myself, the only person in the world who knew and took in all the feelings of what the positive test represented. It was empowering and overwhelming. I was elated and wanted to stay in that moment for a good while before letting any other emotions in.
As my mind was in that euphoric state and wanting to extend the high, I suddenly felt the need to share the news. I needed to tell somebody, but who?
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Sharing the News
You may be doing this on your own by choice, but you’re still going to need support. Mental and emotional support. It can be a network of people or one person, but it’s an invaluable piece.
You need a cheerleader. Someone rooting you on, someone to confide in, someone to share the struggle and joy with.
I’m originally from Minnesota and the majority of my family still live there, except for my sister, who lives with me. She’ll be the first to tell you that she was happy for me, but this was not her choice.
We lived together, but she had a very different lifestyle from me at the time when I decided to start this journey.
She was still having fun in her mid-to-late twenties and wasn’t exactly looking forward to having a small human presence in our home. She didn’t have a big desire to be involved and was worried about how it was going to affect her life. In her mind, this meant she was going to have to be a co-parent of sorts (which wasn’t the case, but that’s how she viewed it).
With my sister not being the ideal support source and the rest of my family thousands of miles away, I needed to find someone else to be in my corner through this process.
I knew I wanted to keep my support circle small at first. Not tell too many people, just the ones that I kept looped in on my journey along the way to becoming pregnant.
I already had the one person in mind who could potentially be my main person, my ‘pregnancy partner’ if you will, for these next nine months.
Not long after I started my trek down the Single-Mother-by-Choice (SMC for short) lane, I reached out to her about joining my journey as my sidekick. The Robin to my Batmom.
I could have gotten a doula or a midwife, but I wanted someone I had already established trust in (that’s not an easy thing for me to do).
I let her know that if she’d like to, she could come to appointments, take the birthing classes with me, and be the one in the room when I gave birth. All optional. Whatever she was comfortable with.
I’m also pretty good at setting boundaries. If there was something I was uncomfortable having her around for, she knew I would express that without issue.
I’m the type of person that’s very direct in telling someone how I feel. She’s the type of person who won’t take offense by that. It was a match made in pregnancy heaven.
She’s the first person I told.
No matter who your person is, make sure that you talk about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. Set your boundaries and stick to them, unless you feel that they need to be adjusted. This is your show! Remember that.
Sometimes it helps to have a visual on things. I know it does for me. Write it down.
Download my FREE template for Organizing Your Fertility Information which includes documents to track your appointment notes, fertility notes, financial planner, journal page, and more!
I immediately texted her a picture of the positive pregnancy test. I didn’t want to call. It was 5:30 in the morning after all.
But she was awake (or my text woke her). Either way, she called me instantly and we laughed and shed a couple more tears of joy.
Next, I sent the same text to my mom (she lives in Minnesota, along with the majority of my family), so it was only 4:30 am there, but I knew she’d be awake getting ready for work.
Not even a minute later, my phone was ringing. My mom was calling.
The Prequel: Sharing ‘The Choice’
It might be surprising to you (or maybe not depending on your journey up to the point you decide to try to become a SMC), but everyone may not be totally on board with your plan, at least not right away.
On my 35th birthday, I drove myself and my mom down to Florida. She flew down to spend my birthday with me on the beach for a few days.
She was under the impression that we were taking this trip for my birthday. We’d taken multiple beach trips together before.
What she didn’t know was that this trip was also what I was considering my ‘baby moon’ before I started seriously preparing my body to try and conceive my child.
We arrived, dropped our bags in the Airbnb, made some cocktails to go, and headed to the beach for sunset. The drinks were going down quick after the 6 hours spent in the car to get down there.
We continued to indulge when we got back to the Airbnb and started playing Gin with the deck of cards I brought.
With the liquid courage in my system, I worked up my nerve to share my news about deciding to try and become a SMC.
I had confided in my mom with pretty much everything in my life up to this point, but I was a little nervous about sharing this with her. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why though.
While sitting at the table, playing our card game, I decided it was time to tell her. I actually kind of excitedly blurted it out at her. “Mom, I’m going to have a baby. On my own. I’m going to get inseminated”.
Damn alcohol lowering my inhibitions. I wanted to deliver that better. Oh well, it’s out there now.
She was kind of quiet at first. Then she started to slowly almost process it out loud. ‘You’re going to try to have a baby on your own…?’
Almost as a statement and a question in one. “Yep”, I answered. Studying her expression.
Next came the questions. “Like with a donor? Why now? Are you sure you want to do this?”
As I explained to her that I’d given this a lot of thought, the whole spiel about my age/eggs, and assured her that I’d done my research and felt confident in my decision, her expression stayed the same. Concerned.
You could tell she was trying to add in some ‘happy for you’ on her face, which came through for a moment, but then right back to concern.
My mom knows that I am a strong, capable, independent woman, but in that moment she wasn’t thinking about that. She shifted right into worried mode, which is her default mode, but still, it caught me off guard.
She was concerned about how I was going to do it without her. She told me how she was upset that she lived in Minnesota and I lived in Georgia. How she wasn’t going to be there to help and didn’t think it was a good idea.
It should have felt like it was her being concerned about me, but it actually felt like she was only concerned about herself and her feelings.
I asked her to try and set aside her own fears, how it was going to affect her, and just try and be supportive of my choice. She couldn’t.
Alcohol wasn’t helping the situation. In fact, it escalated it and set my emotions skyrocketing. I got so angry and upset that I walked out of the Airbnb and down to the walkway that led to the beach.
I stared out at the dark ocean and listened to the waves in the night as I bawled. I was in disbelief at my mom’s reaction and completely disappointed in her lack of support.
How could she not see past her own feelings and support me? Why couldn’t she see that I was ready for this?
I eventually went back up to the Airbnb, went straight to my bedroom, and crawled into bed. I was over this day. ‘Happy birthday to me’ I muttered as I turned over and went to sleep.
In the morning I woke up and laid there thinking about how the night before went down. My mom and I have such a strong relationship. I didn’t want to fight with her.
I got up. My head pounded against my skull. I looked in the mirror.
It looked like I was having an allergic reaction. My face! My eyes! Everything was so swollen from crying the night before.
I slunk with my massive emotional hangover into my mom’s bedroom and crawled into bed with her. She snuggled up to me and apologized for making me so upset the night before.
But that was it. No ‘I do support you’ or ‘you can do this’. We moved forward with the rest of the trip like nothing happened, but there was that undertone of tension.
I didn’t share any of my journey with her after that trip. When she would ask about it here and there I would give vague answers.
It put a strain on our relationship that was never there before.
Sometimes They Just Need Time
After my first IUI, I reluctantly ended up sharing with her that it didn’t work. When I did, something in her shifted.
I think she finally realized that this was real. It was going to happen and she needed to get on board.
After that, she started to have a more genuine interest in the process. She wanted to know when my appointments were and asked what my test results were coming back with. I could tell she was trying her best to be supportive.
So, I started to share more with her and slowly I started to feel those cracks in our relationship start to mend.
People in your life might surprise you with their reactions. Some people will be over the moon for you, others may not be as supportive or just need some more time to wrap their heads around it.
I’d say mentally prepare yourself, but some of those reactions you just won’t see coming and might catch you off guard. My best advice, handle it all with grace and stay true to yourself and your choice.
Cheers, Warriors!
P.S. My mom was overjoyed when she saw the text of the positive pregnancy test and was beyond elated to share her excitement with me when she immediately called. We too laughed, cried, and were in awe at the fact that this tiny little stick gave us such amazing news, that I was indeed pregnant!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and found it entertaining, educational, inspiring – hopefully, all three. Please be sure to leave any comments or questions you have in the Comments section below.
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